Far Gone

This morning I woke up still dreaming with memories, and I thought you’re still around. I feel your voice playing through my head, so I started writing down every single bits of detail I could remember. I want to pretend that it’s not true, that you’re not here, that you’re gone. I want to pretend that whenever I leave another message, you’re hearing every bit of my word.

You could no longer hear me cry, you can’t see my dreams die. I’m crying on my own but I know this time I have to wipe my own tears, it’s so quiet here and I feel so cold. My world keeps turning and I’ve never been good at moving on, I don’t ever want to.

You’ll never know how much I miss you. It’s been so long since I got to say goodnight to you, been so long since I clicked on our favorite songs. But it’s been a minute since I cried for you and a minute since I called you in the hope that I could say every words I wanted to say in my heart to you.

I stopped writing fake little lies and the good in this existing universe, because nothing is good enough, nothing is as good as it was. I stared to talk in past tense since the lost. It’s been a minute since I dialed your number just to feel you say “Hey darling?” after your old country disturbing ringtone.

I know that you won’t get my message but I’ll leave another one, just to feel less alone. I couldn’t help but wonder would you know my name and once again teach me how to stand if we meet again in heaven, would you take my hand and forgive me for all that I have missed.

With every single night I have to face and all the dreams I have to chase, I wonder if you still remember our special memorizes. I would’ve broken my heart in two trying to save a part of you, I would try and be the girl I said I would.

You’d never know how much I needed you. You used to taught me how to walk and talk but now I have trouble learning how to breathe and I don’t know who to turn to.

I would do anything to be back in time again; I would’ve said what I wanted to and cried on my knees presenting how much you mean to me, if I knew it would be the last time I won’t ever walk off the door. With every single day I have to face, I have to put on a brave face that I never own, acting as though I couldn’t feel the storm inside of me.

I don’t want another old man to shed a tear when they see me, or kiss my forehead with wishes.

I don’t want to hear anyone say my pet name you’ve given me.

How long will the pain of grief supposed to last?

Because sometimes I could barely holding on, as though I would fall down on my knees and die there on the floor. I need you to guide me up to be my help, to battle this storm and to get me through this daunting world. I’m still fighting to find the light you once gave me to break up the dark, I can feel the storm coming up and the wave flooding the shore, I’m still looking for a piece of wood to keep me floated.

I couldn’t find my way home when you’re not here. I could still smell your scent in the air, your blessing palm on my head. I’m trying my best to live this life and to finish our unfinished plans, I will win your bet on being the best of me. I will hold your picture tight when I reach our dream place at the mountain top, always keep you next to me. I know I won’t be alone. I will keep you safe in my heart.

When they told me you’re far gone, I couldn’t believe my ears. I stood there and I feel the warmth in me floated off my chest, you caused my heart to bleed and the deepest pain in me is that I never got to say goodbye.

I know you’ll be looking down,

I know you’ll be waiting, I’ll see you again

Five years old, my earliest memory with my angel, one who never turned his back on me, one who never walked away. Every piece of my young soul that have been killed by mean kids at school, a crucial world in the city of light. He restored my faith, he taught me that a man can be kind and there are lights in the darkest moment of time.

I begged the world to want me, to allow me to be one self but no one cared to hear my pray, no one cared enough to pretend like they care. He picked me up and embrace me in, he collected me up bit by bit, when the world fail to acknowledge my innocence. Off the floor where my head against my knees, when I’m lost and abandoned by the fancy world. He filled the holes that burned in me.

Dedicated to my Gramp.

This world never meant for one as beautiful as you.